Juvenille silliness ahead!
If you didn't bring your sense of humor, go get it and come back. ;)
SouthPark Rules!
Just a wee bit of SP humor. More to come soon!
Humor Files
Here are a couple of funny files. Just download them and do what you do. Relax...these are funny not evil. Sorry...nothing for Macs...go get a real PC & stop back. ;)
Fish in a Blender
A gift from Coke!
SouthPark Song - Kyle's Mom...
Some Silly Samples
TRUISIMS
-----------------------------------
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism;
to steal from many is research.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
================================================================
58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by actual journalists)
==========================
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumn
54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include your Children when Baking Cookies
38 Favorite Ways to Kill Barney.
1. Make him watch his own show.
2. Move every third molecule 3 feet to the left until he closely
resembles Picasso's "Guernica".
3. Donate his body to science...early.
4. Well, just call my cousins Guido and Vinnie and tell them that
you kinda placed $200 in a bag under the rock in the
park....mention the fact that you would _love_ to have Barney's
knee-caps as conversation pieces.
5. Have him magically turn the classroom into a vacuum ... watch
his body explode.
6. Strip off his flesh, bury the bones in your back yard, and
then dig them up, a piece at a time, selling them to your nearest
natural history museum. A complete dinosaur skeleton would be
worth a fortune! Death to Barney for fun AND profit!
7. Sew his lips to his rectum.
8. Make him a referee in an NHL game.
9. Put him in a guillotine; put the rope holding up the blade in
his mouth and then beat his ass with a jagged piece of metal
until he screams.
10. Dip him in tar (anything sticky will do), cover him with
hundred-dollar bills and throw him into a pit full of lawyers...
11. Bury all but his head in an anthill. Cover with honey.
12. Use him for testing Ginsu knives with Mrs. Bobbitt helping
out.
13. Get him to neuter a Pit-Bull Terrier.
14. Plutonium enema.
15. Send him to Miami in a rented car.
16. Move the set of the show to an actual inner-city classroom.
17. Let him take a New York Subway at night.
18. Make him hug Madonna. (When she's wearing her pointy bra)
19. Tie him up like a pinnate and have small children
beat it to death.
20. Tie him down in a chair and force him to listen to country
music, until even HE goes insane with all the sap!
21. Tell him Jimmy Hoffa was a bad man and he should tell it to
the Teamsters.
22. 100 cans of JOLT and a titanium steel vault.
23. Send him to a country western bar and let him play heavy
metal.(reversible)
24. Make him run UNIX on a Tandy Colour Computer 3. (128k total)
25. Inject him with all the chemicals that go into Hostess
Twinkies.
26. Nitroglycerin suppository
27. Barney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la vista...BARNEY!".
28. Sucked into a turbo-prop engine (a jet would be more fun.
'after burners?'
29. Acupuncture with a nail gun
30. OOPS! Barney shouldn't have soldered that propane tank while
full.
31. Forced to watch "The Wall" video without his happy pills.
32. Bent, folded and mutilated by the post office. (would be
worse if you didn't write "fragile" on the label)
33. Put Barney in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT.
34. Send him to Montreal wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey.
35. Send him to Cuba with a T-shirt saying "Fidel Sucks"
36. Put him on a NYC subway without an weapon
37. Strap him to the back of a Ford Pinto, then rear-end it into
an iron maiden.
38. Shove his head in a floppy drive, then type "format a:".
**********************
You've heard of emoticons (AKA smileys), well here are some
assicons:
(_!_) regular ass
(__!__) fat ass
(!) tight ass
(_*_) sore ass
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) tired ass
(_o^o_) wise ass
************************
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